Who’s fault was it anyway?

“You are one of those strange people who ruin things for themselves and others as well” He threw his words at me in a fashion he never did before,”You make it impossible for them to offer you all the good they can.”

“You were offering me too little.” I protested.

“In love you stay without expecting.” He argued back.

“I couldn’t settle for less.” I replied agitated as ever.

“All I couldn’t offer you was a name for ‘us'” he said laughing, mocking at me “And you abandoned the beautiful thing we had just because I couldn’t name it.”

“All I asked was a guarantee for you to stay.” I said adamantly, “stay as ‘us’ for as long as we could.”

“Nothing’s guaranteed in this world, love.” He shook his head.

“Yes, I figured, the hard way though.” I added.

“I never wanted you to leave.” He said with those sorrowful eyes of his, never failing to earn him a forgiveness.

“Then you shouldn’t have made it impossible for me to stay.” I smiled for I was no longer enchanted by those deep eyes or those shallow words.

“It was just a label.” He protested, defeated. “We were doing fine before you asked for it.”

“I asked for too little.” I said “and that was everything I wanted from you. A recognition.”

“Why was it so damn important for you? Important enough to let go of me? Let go of us? Just like that?” He asked, angry now. He always got upset when the conversation didn’t go as he planned. With me that happened a lot. He never raised his voice though. An angry whisper.

“Without giving me a name there was no ‘us'” I answered.

“There was. There always was for me.” He said disappointed in me. “You were my priority, you got most of my time, you got most of my love.”

“Then it shouldn’t have been a problem for you to give us a name.” I stated, “here’s my girlfriend is all you had to say.”

“You know damn well why I couldn’t.” He protested, letting go a deep sigh, “How could I? When I already had this girl who had done so much for me. How could I break her heart?”

“Like you broke mine.” I answered.

“You knew about her from the start. When we were just friends.” He said trying to cover up for himself. He always did this. Questioning himself. Answering himself. Satisfying his never ending need for being the good person that he wasn’t.

“Yes I did.” I said.

“Then you shouldn’t have fallen for me.” He said.

“Neither should you.” I said, “she was your girlfriend not mine. Besides I thought my love could win against her if I give enough time. It doesn’t work that way I suppose.”

“You should’ve stayed.” He said, holding my hand. “I told you she would leave eventually.”

“She would’ve left immediately if you told her about me.” I shook his hand off.

“She knew about you.” He said, very irritated on getting his hand that I played with for hours, rejected.

“Yes, that we were friends.” I said.

“And she was fine with it.” He said, “I shouldn’t have but I fell in love with you. Truthfully. In all my honesty. I couldn’t help falling for you. It came so naturally.”

“All the more reason to give us a name.” I said. “You told me I wasn’t your forever.”

“Yes. You’re not.” He said.

“And why’s that?” I asked distastefully.

“Some things you just know.” He answered. It was a line over used by him. Rusted with his own breath.

“And why’s she a forever and not me?” I rephrased.

“You don’t want to understand, do you?” He shrugged his shoulders.

“You don’t want to admit it, do you?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Admit what?” He questioned back.

“That you were scared.” I said, “scared of letting her go because you were so used to of having her in your life. Afraid of letting me in, who you loved for her fire but knew I’d burn you two down.”

“That’s not the case.” He said as he averted his gaze. “I just wanted you to stay. For us to stay. It was always you. I just couldn’t let her go. That wasn’t the right time”

“That’s precisely why it was the right time for me to leave.” I said, wondering how could I let this go on for as long as it did.

“You changed.” He said.

“Yes, I did. For realising my worth that I had forgotten on the way called love.” I said

“I never wanted you to leave. Not once. I’ve missed you ever since and I think I might continue to.” He said trying to sound heartbroken. What for, I thought? You have your girlfriend with you. The one left with nothing was me. Forget about having the one I love, I even lost the one I befriended.

“I miss you too.” I admitted.

“Then what was the point of this?” He asked. “We both love each other, miss each other. We should’ve stayed the way we were. Happy with each other. She should’ve never come between us just like she never did before.” He said. Still trying. I didn’t understand why and for what.

“I was the one that came between you two.” I said. “Yes, I love you but that isn’t a good enough reason for me to get my heartbroken everyday. Sometimes several times a day. Every time the thought of you two being together and my existence not making a difference in that crossed my mind. It broke my heart. I’m amazed at how my heart manages to beat just fine even after being shattered this many times.”

“I never wanted to break your heart.” He argued, “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Being in love was not enough. Not good enough to stay as an option” I said.

“You never were an option.” He said.

“Then what the hell was I?” I asked raising my voice helplessly. “That’s the damn point!”

“What do I say now?” He asked.

“Good bye.” I left wondering “who’s fault was it anyway?”

– the incomplete verse